


Hallucination

by faithlessone



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Hallucinations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 02:58:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4123312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithlessone/pseuds/faithlessone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard dies above Alchera. That doesn't mean she leaves Kaidan alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hallucination

The hallucinations started after Alchera.

He didn’t tell anyone. Not Anderson, like he should have done. Not Chakwas, who might have understood. Definitely not the therapists they sent him to, even when they asked him specifically.

It was bad. He knew that much. Hallucinating your dead commanding officer was bad enough, but hallucinating your dead commanding officer / love of your life was probably as bad as it got. It could be the grief. Just a temporary reaction to the sudden and unexpected loss of her. Maybe it would stop in time. But it could be a mental breakdown. Could be a sign that the implants in his brain were finally killing him.

At first she was just there, around. A face in the crowd, in his peripheral vision, behind him in the mirror. That was the worst. Because that could make him forget for a moment that she was actually gone. That she wasn’t really there.

Then she was there, almost real. Sitting on his sofa, standing in his kitchen, following him down the street. Just there.

Then she started talking to him.

Her voice in his head was nothing new. That started before she even died, before they were even together. He heard her voice telling him to keep it together, teasing him; when his own internal monologue had her tones, he knew he was done for. There would never be anyone else for him but her.

But a walking, talking Commander Shepard who looked at him just the way she always did?

“What the fuck are you doing, Alenko?” she said, one morning as he shuffled through his apartment.

He ignored her.

“I was the one who died. Not you. So what the fuck are you doing?”

He ignored her.

“Here I was thinking we were heroes of the galaxy, saviours of the Citadel and all that, and here you are, halfway through the day, drinking beer in your underwear instead of out there doing what you’re supposed to be doing.”

He ignored her.

“Fine, ignore me! Not like I’m going anywhere.”

-

The first time he talked back, he knew he was screwed.

“I will go back to work if it will shut you up.”

She grinned, just the way she always did. “Not going to shut up, just for the record, but I’d be willing to tone down the insults if you take some decent assignments.”

He sighed. “I can deal with that.”

-

Horizon was… interesting.

It had been over two years. Shepard had become indispensable to him. Always around, just over his left shoulder, talking in his ear, teasing him, especially when there were other people around and he couldn’t talk back. It hadn’t got any worse. She was always there, but only there. She didn’t tell him to do anything she wouldn’t have told him to do before. It was only ever her. He hadn’t started seeing anyone else. His migraines hadn’t got worse, hadn’t got more frequent. If anything, things were easier now that she was always there to talk him down.

He promised himself that he’d tell someone if any of it got worse. He’d been promising himself that for two years, and hadn’t felt the need yet.

He’d talked the situation over with her a hundred times. Which probably sounded crazy. Talking about the issue of full-blown visual, auditory and occasionally tactile hallucinations with the actual hallucination herself was probably a good sign he’d gone insane. He’d managed to convince himself it was a gift instead of a curse. She was dead, but she hadn’t had to leave him. Maybe if Ash had still been around, she would have said it was a miracle.

Then he turned a corner and saw… Shepard, standing with Garrus and some woman he’d never seen before, telling that mechanic that she’d done all she could to protect his colonists. Shepard. Real. Alive. Visible to people other than him.

“Well, shit,” said the Shepard behind him.

Two Shepards. It was messing with his head. The one stood in front of him, looking at him like she couldn’t quite believe he was real, the way he looked at her - that was the one that was real. The one stood beside him, looking at him like he was a moron, she was in his head.

And of course, he was behaving like a moron. Shepard, the real Shepard, the one outside his head, was working for Cerberus. Of all the theories he and his Shepard had come up with over the months, the idea that Commander Shepard was still alive and with a terrorist group had shockingly never come up.

To be fair though, she wasn’t being the personification of tact either. Two years gone, suddenly back, wearing that uniform, and the first thing she said was “How’ve you been?”

They said a lot of stupid things to each-other. He didn’t even realise he’d walked away from her until Shepard, his Shepard, finally spoke again.

“Well, that was awkward.”

“Understatement.”

“Sorry, couldn’t think of a word big enough to describe that entire utter clusterfuck of an encounter. Awkward did in a pinch.”

“No need to be nasty.”

“Apparently I’m a terrorist now. I think that gives me permission to be a bit bitchier than normal.”

He stopped, wheeling around to check no one was within sight or earshot before addressing her directly.

“You’re not a terrorist. For a start, you’re not real. You’re in my head, and I’m fairly certain I’m not a terrorist. And, whatever just happened there, I don’t believe she is either, not really. So less of that, okay?”

She grinned at him.

“Been a while since you’ve said I wasn’t real.”

“Well, today is all kinds of surprising.”

“Must be. I thought for sure you’d go with her.”

He doesn’t respond. She knows he’s wishing he had.

-

Horizon should have changed things, logically, he thought. He knew she was alive now. He’d sent her a message apologising, and got a terse “message received” in return. (Even if that may not have been from her.)

But his Shepard was still around. Still over his left shoulder, still talking and teasing and telling him off when he behaved like an idiot. He didn’t want her to leave. Losing this Shepard would be so much worse than losing her the first time.

Even if she wasn’t real.

-

Before he knew it, he was on Earth, summoned to a trial, and Shepard, the real Shepard, was under house arrest. She was three floors away from him, in the same housing block, and it would be easy, so easy, to just go there and talk to her. He was a Major now, thanks in no small part to his Shepard kicking his ass every time he thought maybe he’d risen far enough. He could pull rank on whatever eager little lieutenant was stuck guarding her door.

“So stop thinking about it, get off your ass and do it.”

“What if she doesn’t want to see me? It’s been months. No messages.”

Shepard laughed. “She was saving the galaxy, idiot. And betraying some terrorists. Maybe a little busy for sweet nothings and heartfelt poetry?”

“Doesn’t mean she wants to see me.”

“Then you go, and she doesn’t open the door. Or, better, she opens the door and kicks your ass for being a coward and not coming sooner.”

“You’re just bitter you can’t kick my ass, aren’t you?”

“Maybe. No fun being incorporeal. I miss beating things up. And shooting things. And bar fights. You never get into bar fights anymore.”

“That was always more your thing than mine.”

“Still, you ever want to get me on your good side, a bar fight might help.”

“You’re in my head, Shepard. I’m always on your good side.”

She laughed again. “It’s adorable that you think you have any control over this.”

Before he could process that for the fairly worrying statement that it was, there was a knock at the door, and after that, everything went to hell.

-

He woke up in Huerta Memorial Hospital with a pounding headache and precisely no memory of the previous however-long-it-had-been since Reapers were attacking Earth. The bruises, bandages and, yes, being in a hospital bed in an entirely different system, were fairly good indications that something terrible had happened though.

He looked around to ask Shepard her opinion on the situation, but she wasn’t around.

That wasn’t entirely unusual. He’d just woken up. Sometimes it took a little while for her to come back after he’d slept properly. Still, he found himself missing her company.

Doctors poked and prodded, told him he was lucky to be alive, that he’d been almost killed by some Cerberus synthetic, that it was only by the quick thinking of Commander Shepard, the real Shepard, and the skills of Doctors Michel and Chakwas that he was breathing at all.

He listened and obeyed and waited for Shepard, his Shepard, to come back.

He faded back to sleep before she did.

When he woke up again, she was there. Standing at the end of his bed, arms folded, leaning on the wall. Looking at him like he was a total idiot and that she was thankful he was alive. There was something else, too, something he couldn’t quite identify, but he was too grateful that she had come back to question it much.

“There you are.”

“Where else would I be?”

He grinned, ignoring how much his face hurt. “I suppose. Kinda got used to you being there all the time. Missed you when you weren’t.”

“Sorry about that.”

And she sounded it - sorry, really sorry. Which wasn’t normal for her. Maybe his head injury really was serious.

“Doctors said I’m okay. Just got rattled.”

“I heard.”

“No jokes? No telling me I’m a moron for going up against a robot? No strangely detailed explanation and demonstration of how you would have taken her down?”

She frowned, just a little, and he could almost see her mind processing.

“I was thinking about that time on Omega when we were being chased by the Blue Suns after that infiltration gone wrong, remember? I told Anderson I was too recognisable for the undercover jobs any more, but he thought it would be okay. And you told me… What did you tell me?”

“Omega?”

“Yeah, the first time, not the second time. The second was my fault. We shouldn’t have gone back. You did tell me, I know. Should’ve listened to you.”

She gave him the strangest look. Nervous, almost.

“What’s wrong?”

“You feeling okay, Kaidan?”

His turn to frown. “Head hurts, and I feel like I got hit by the Mako, but yes?”

“Maybe I should go and fetch the doctor.”

What?

“You forget you’re incorporeal, Shepard?” He laughed briefly, but the look on her face made him stop short. “What?”

The door slid open, and one of his doctors stepped into the room.

“Oh, Commander Shepard! We weren’t expecting you so soon.”

The blood drained from Kaidan’s face. His head began to spin for an entirely different reason. The world seemed to have slipped sideways.

“Shepard?” he choked out.

She nodded slowly, warily, not taking her eyes off him.

“Is there something wrong?” the doctor asked, carefully.

She waited for him to respond.

“Can we, um, have a moment alone?” he asked, managing to tear his eyes away from what he was rapidly coming to realise was the entirely real, alive, not-inside-his-head Commander Shepard.

The doctor looked mildly relieved to escape the overwhelming tension and slipped out, darkening the windows and shutting the door as he left.

“Shepard?” he repeated, trying not to let his voice shake.

“Kaidan. Start talking.”

He hesitated for a few moments too long. She moved closer to the bed, unfolding her arms to rest her hands on the bar at his feet.

“Who did you think I was?”

Her voice was careful and calm and measured.

“Shepard.”

She waited for the rest of his answer this time. Kept eye contact, not letting him slide away from the truth.

“My Shepard,” he continued, quietly. Truth. The truth was the best course of action here. “The one I’ve been seeing since you… died.”

“You’ve been hallucinating?”

He couldn’t speak, but nodded in answer.

“But you’ve been on active duty.”

He nodded again.

“Kaidan, I need you to tell me the truth. How often have you seen her?”

He couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t. But she waited, and she waited and the tension only grew. He could almost hear her, his her, in his head, telling him to stop being such a fucking coward. It hurt how much he wanted to see her, his her, right then.

“All the time.” It was less than a whisper, and she leant forwards, trying to hear him better.

“Say that again?”

“All the time. I see her all the time. She’s always there. She’s always with me.” The words fell out of his mouth before he could censor them.

“But she’s not here now? You thought I was her.”

He nodded.

“Kaidan, who knows about this? Who did you report it to?”

The guilt forced him to look away from her. He had promised himself he would report it if it got worse. But it never got worse, and then it had been almost three years. Who would have believed him after three years? He’d have been in a padded room before he finished talking.

“Maybe that would have been for the best.”

It took looking back at her, seeing the look on her face, to realise that he had just said all of that out loud.

“You can’t tell anyone,” he pleaded.

“Kaidan.”

“They want to make me a Spectre. Did they tell you that? The second human Spectre. You know how fast they’ll take that back if they find this out?”

“Kaidan.”

“You can look at my service record for the past three years. See my statistics, the reports. I promise, she’s never affected my work.” He paused, considered, then admitted. “No, that’s a lie. I was… broken, before her. After you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her, bullying me back to work, forcing me to go on when all I wanted to do was curl up and stop. So, yeah, she’s affected my work. In the best possible way.”

“Kaidan.”

“Stop saying my name like that. Please.”

He watched her think for a while. He could almost see the emotions warring in her brain – the side of her that wanted to believe him with the side that needed to tell Anderson.

“You’re stuck here till you’re healed, right?” she said slowly.

He nodded.

“You have to let me know the second you see her again. Send me a message. I don’t care how brief it is, what she says, what happens – you need to tell me. Agreed?”

He sighed, part in relief, part in something else he didn’t want to admit to feeling. “Agreed.”

“I’ve got some errands to run, but I will be back to check on you before we ship out, okay?”

He nodded again. “Thank you, Shepard. Just… I don’t know. Thank you.”

-

He saw her, the real Shepard, the one everyone else saw, a couple more times before he was discharged from the hospital. His Shepard didn’t make an appearance. It was strange, so strange, to be alone, really alone, for the first time in years. He still heard her in his head occasionally, but that was nothing to be concerned about. His internal monologue had had her voice for much longer than he had been able to see her.

He found himself looking in mirrors, scanning crowds, glancing backwards over his left shoulder, just trying to catch a glimpse of her. But she was never there.

Maybe the killer robot on Mars fixed whatever the crash-landing on Alchera shook loose.

Not that he would ever admit that out loud.

He missed her, his her. Missed her talking to him, teasing him, being there for him to sound off against. He asked for her, in the dead of night when the silence got too much to bear, but she didn’t come back.

Then, finally, he found himself standing at the other end of her gun. The real Shepard. She was holding a gun, trained on Councillor Udina’s chest, and he was forced to pull his on her. To protect the Council. Because she kept her promise and he became the second human Spectre.

She was holding a gun on him and looking at him with that careful, nervous look she got in her eyes when she thought he’d gone insane.

“I can explain this, Kaidan.”

He wasn’t the same him he was when she knew him, before. His Shepard had made him a better man, a stronger man; he could stand against her if it looked like she wasn’t all that she said she was. He just wasn’t sure.

“Gun drawn on a councillor? Kinda looks bad.”

She sounded impatient. “We don’t have time to negotiate. You’ve been fooled, all of you. Udina’s behind this attack. The Salarian councillor confirmed it.”

“Please, you have no proof! You never do!” Udina cried out behind him.

“There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they’ll kill you all.”

He looked back at her. He may be stronger now, thanks to his her, but everything in him demanded that he trust her. He heard her voice in his head, his her, telling him to stop being such a total idiot and do as she said. Stronger didn’t mean he had to stand against her.

He didn’t wait for another chance. He turned around, finally pointing his gun in the right direction.

“Udina, step away from that console.”

-

After the Council stand-off, he fought with himself for hours over coming back aboard the Normandy. Something in the back of his mind, a tiny voice that actually sounded like himself for once, told him that stepping onto the ship would mean that she would never come back. His Shepard. The one who had been there for him when she wasn’t.

When she couldn’t, he reminded himself. When she couldn’t.

Now he had the chance of getting her back. The real her. The one everyone else could see. And perhaps, that had been her purpose, his her. Forcing him to become the man she, the real she, was going to need. If she still trusted him.

He waited for her in the docking bay, trying to look casual, knowing he looked anything but.

The door slid open, and there she was.

“Kaidan, I wondered where you went. Everything okay?”

They both knew the question she was really asking. They both knew how important the answer was.

“Everything’s fine, Shepard,” he said. “Just the one of you. I haven’t… haven’t seen her since Mars.”

“And apart from that?”

He stepped forwards. “Not every day you have an armed standoff with someone you love.” He paused. “If I hadn’t backed down, would you have taken me out?”

She looked away from him. “I trusted you. I knew you would’ve come around.”

He stepped into her line of sight, forcing her to look at him. “Would you have taken me out?”

“I trusted you. Main thing is that we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel.”

She was avoiding the question, and they both knew it.

“Shepard, do you trust me now?”

He saw her decide to tell him the truth.

“Yes. I trust you. Even if you could still see her, I trust you, Kaidan.”

He smiled. “Hackett offered me a position, but I’d turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again.”

There was a pause. A pause in which Kaidan wondered if the caveat to her ‘I trust you’ was ‘but not aboard my ship’.

Then she smiled too. “Couldn’t imagine facing the Reapers without you.”

“Thank you, Commander, and…” He took her hand. “I need you to know. I’ll never doubt you again. And I’ll never lie to you. I promise. I’ve got your back.”

“Good to know. Welcome aboard, Major.”

He saluted her. “Aye aye, ma’am.”

Somehow, he knew he’d never see his Shepard again. But it didn’t matter. He had his real Shepard back.


End file.
